Perplexed Parents Blog

We have a tendency as parents to assume that when someone asks us about our children, that they know the struggles we are having with them. I have found from experiences both of people I have dealt with as well as my own that in most cases, people have no clue about the struggles you are having.

The best explanation I can come up with for feeling everyone knows your business is that when you are struggling, you are so engrossed in it that assumptions are made when an inquiry is made. Don’t fall into the trap of giving an explanation of your struggles just because someone asks how everything is going. Be careful who you share with and the extent of the details. Not everyone is capable of keeping their mouth shut. They may slip and give too many details in a prayer request.

When it comes to sharing your burdens, keep in mind that it is important to have a confidant. You need someone you can unload on. That person should be someone you know you can trust, and, if possible, can identify with you and your struggles.

As hard as it may seem, you are not the only one struggling with your kids. Do what you can to get a support system in place that will be there when the crisis come. If you can’t find any, that’s what our ministry is all about.

I am enjoying the great pleasure of watching my soon to be 7 month old grandson develop new skills every week! He is such a joy and blessing, but he is a great reminder of how blessed our family has truly been and continues to be.

When our daughter Kimberly was 5 months old, the doctors couldn’t tell us if she would walk or talk. Her development delays, along with the seizures, signaled a greater problem. She wasn’t even pushing up on all 4s at 6 months, let alone sitting up. She became the subject of prayers around the world - we were blessed with a lady in our church who wrote all the missionaries about the Pastor’s granddaughter! We started into physical therapy and thankfully a year later she was actually 2 months ahead! What a long year that was - waiting has never been my strong suit and it was so tough to wait and hope for the skills to come. God is so good! That little floppy baby, as her nurses called her, is now a strong young woman enjoying her sophomore year in college!

Little Joah is changing each week - we have the great joy of babysitting each Saturday. It is amazing to watch how fast he develops a new skill and soon I’m sure we’ll be very busy keeping up with him! I’m thankful God sends me little reminders of how He answered our prayers 20 years ago - I’m trusting He’s going to take care of a few others in the near future.

Too often we fall into the trap of drawings comparisons. We do this in several ways. we compare our children to each other, to other’s children. to what we had as we grew up, to name just a few. The problem with this is that it is unfair to any and all we draw the comparison with. It also leads to expectations often much too high, which leads to disappointments and the frustrations that follow. Comparisons also can lead to underachievement as we tend to choose those who make us look better.

Comparisons tend to take away our individuality and uniqueness. None of us are made the same. That’s what makes life both challenging and interesting. Learning to cope with others is one of the ways God uses to help us grow and mature. Some teach us patience, some love, some thoughtfulness, etc.

The same can be said of our children. Each is unique in their own special way. The challenge is to figure out what works best for each child. I have 3 children and all 3 are very different in the methods used for discipline. What works for one obviously won’t for the others. That’s what makes raising our children so much fun. It takes a lot of time and effort and certainly isn’t done overnight.

We need to look at our children as gifts from God. Take the time to really get to know them. Find out what makes them tick. Invest our time more than our money. The things they will remember most are the times you spent with them, not the monetary. Let’s invest our most treasured thing in them, out TIME. It’s the least we can do.

I believe one of our biggest struggles we endure as parents is having to listen to someone tell us what we should or shouldn’t be doing with our children. It’s this very attitude that leads to even more guilt as we try to address situations. We feel bad enough that we are struggling with our children as it is. We are already questioning ourselves as to how good or bad we are at it. We also struggle with the guilt issues wondering what, if anything, we could have done different. The last thing we need is for someone to stick their nose in trying to help when they have no clue. It’s obvious they haven’t a clue when they open their mouth.

If you encounter someone who is struggling with their child, do the best thing for them and just listen. They need to vent first. You will earn their respect by actually listening. You might just be surprised at how much it helps.

This has been quite a year. Next week our son and his wife will celebrate their first anniversary. It has been a fast and full year. Our grandson Joah just turned three months old and is growing so fast! He is truly a blessing and joy and a reminder that we’re getting older.

Today our son celebrated his first Father’s Day. It wasn’t that long ago that I never thought we’d see him happily married or raising a child. The terrible memories of recent years have been replaced with daily reminders of how blessed we are and how God’s grace has been shown to him and to our family. You see, it’s nothing we did right or wrong, simply God’s amazing grace that has brought him to this new life.

Not too long ago, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day were not holidays I looked forward to. I am so thankful for my own parents - without their love and support I wouldn’t have made it through those tough years. But these holidays tend to bring around all the guilt and disappointments we have faced as parents. This has been the first year in a very long time that I have truly enjoyed celebrating them. Yes, the past tries to creep in and steal our joy, but it is quickly shoved to the back. I have had to choose to not let the past rule my present or future. There is too much of life still to enjoy to spend it on regrets and past guilt.

We have passed into a new phase of life - we are the proud parents of three adult children (and one new daughter-in-love) along with the grandparents of a wonderful little boy. There will still be disappointments and struggles, but we choose to enjoy all the blessings the Lord sends our way. How thankful I am for God’s amazing grace!

I believe one of our biggest problems with disciplining our children is that we react to the situation at hand rather than respond. Upon initial evaluation, we may seem to miss the difference, Reacting is more like a reflex, something we tend to just do and not give it a second thought. The worst part of it all is that the greater the offense the greater we react. If anything, it should be reversed. The bigger crimes should automatically take more thought as to what method of discipline should be administered.

Responding means we take the time necessary to make sure the time fits the crime. It gives us the chance to put the responsibility where it belongs - them. They made the mistake, they should suffer the consequences and take the responsibility. By doing this, you can shift the blame to its proper place and not let them give you a guilt trip for their behavior.

This week we have crossed into a new chapter of parenting - the joy of watching our son become a parent. My daughter-in-law was gracious enough to allow me to be present at the birth of our little grandson, Joah Thomas. What an experience! After being induced about 18 hours before and a very long night, this little guy entered the world. To say his daddy was excited would be quite the understatement. What a joy it was for me to watch my son take such excellent care of his wife while she was going through this experience.

Later in the day, Joah started showing signs of respiratory distress and was taken to the nursery for tests and monitoring. It was quite a roller coaster ride - he would improve long enough to return to the room, only to have to return again and eventually ended up in the NICU. Abby was discharged today and Joah has had to stay for a little extra care.

Thankfully he has made big improvements throughout the day. The doctors believe he just needs a little time and all will be well. However, yesterday they thought they were dealing with pulmonary hypertension, which in an infant can be very serious. It corrected itself and doesn’t seem to be an issue. The nurse told us there must be prayers being lifted up and someone up above looking out for him. How true that is! We are blessed with so many people who have been praying from all parts of the country.

I am so excited to enter this part of parenting, and in turn grandparenting. I have been in love with this little guy since the very first ultrasound, if not before. What a blessing to be allowed to see him enter the world and to be loved so completely by his parents, as well as the rest of a big family. And I must say, he is quite a handsome little boy (not that I’m partial or anything).

While watching a movie about a woman and her three grown daughters, the mother screamed she wouldn’t keep quiet if her child were going over a cliff, so how could she not voice her opposition to what they were doing? I have pondered that question a great deal this week. Letting go has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do but I’ve concluded that voicing my opinion repeatedly is not going to stop them from destructive behaviors. In fact, with a rebellious teen, you are more likely to push them further into the behavior. What is a mother to do then?

The changes that have taken place in my children - the true heart changes - occurred when I was no where around. As I learned to step out of the way and concentrate on my own spiritual life, God was faithful. After all, the changes that needed to take place weren’t just behavior changes. To truly be life changing, it has to first start with the heart. He loves my children so much more than I could, and is even more concerned about their welfare.

We don’t hesitate to take our children to the pediatrician when they are sick - we trust he knows the proper treatment to heal them. We need to put the same trust in the Great Physician. The treatment may not be to our liking - we often want to save them from consequences. Just as we knew the medicine prescriped by the pediatrician was worth the bad taste it would leave, so we must trust that the prescription of the Great Physician is just what they need. If we can leave it to Him, we will experience true peace in the midst of the storm.

We are expecting our first grandchild in just about 10 weeks. At first, I was in shock learning I was to be a grandmother. Our son had just gotten married, we were adjusting to being in-laws, and then learned there was a “honeymoon baby” on the way! It didn’t take long till we were totally in love with this little guy - especially after the first ultrasound. I have been blessed to see 4 ultrasounds! I’m sure not too many people get the blessing of seeing the development of a little one so closely. Our little grandson had fluid around his heart, which was a concern for the doctor. This led to ultrasounds every 6-8 weeks just to be sure it hadn’t increased. Yesterday, we were given the news that the fluid is gone - his heart and everything else looks good. We know his arms are working well - every time they tried to get a good view of his face, he put his hands in front of it!

How some people can consider aborting a baby is unthinkable to me. We saw this little guy when he was just a little “bean” and have watched him grow from ultrasound to ultrasound. Just between the third and the fourth he put on 2 pounds, and now weighs 4 lb. 3 oz. I have no idea how they can tell his weight, but they can. It’s been amazing - they’ve measured all the parts of his brain, his arms, legs, kidneys, etc.  It is truly amazing to watch God’s creation grow in utero, and  now I am anxiously awaiting the day when I can actually hold him. What a miracle and gift from God!