Perplexed Parents Blog

There have been many trials in our household throughout our married life - dealing with epilepsy, developmental delays, ADD, rheumatoid arthritis, miscarriage, drug addiction, rebellion, and the list goes on. It seems our family has dealt with just about every issue out there. For the past three years we have been dealing with our greatest struggle - homosexuality. To be honest, everything else has seemed like a picnic compared to having our son tell us he believes he is a homosexual. It is unbelievable the emotions a parent goes through - anger, guilt (after all, how could this happen in our family), embarrassment, and above all grief. It is a very lonely grief - the world doesn’t see anything wrong with this lifestyle - this must just be the way he was made. It’s not something you feel you can share with your church, so you just keep it to yourself. Some may not see it as grief, but trust me it is very real. All of us have dreams for our children and dream of the life they will lead. We have had to let that dream die, at least for now. It has been a three year journey of grief and now acceptance. No matter how much we want our children to turn out “right”, we simply cannot make choices for them. I have finally reached the point of acceptance, not of the lifestyle, but of the fact that I cannot make him see things my way. God is the only one who can change things and I simply have no other choice than to leave it in His hands. I have joined groups of Christian parents on line who are struggling with this issue too, but have found little assistance from those groups. So many of them in their acceptance of their children have bought into the lie that this is just the way they were made and it’s just not going to change. I, however, believe in a God who is all powerful and able to change lives totally and completely. I continue to pray that He will do so in our son’s life. We continue to show our son unconditional love - he is and always will be my child and we love him just as much as ever.

Today is a day of celebration that I will never forget. Four years ago today we dropped off our son at Greater Piedmont Teen Challenge in Greensboro, NC. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do as a parent. We had spent the last few years stuggling with a drug addicted teen. I remember him trying to put off going there, not going in, just wanting to make it later. I know his plans were to get away for a while and come back in six months and pick up where he left off. I’m grateful that God had other plans. “Our ways are not His ways, nor our thoughts His thoughts.” 

When we arrived at Teen Challenge, we were given a tour and told how the plan worked. We were so relieved to see the place and left encouraged by what we saw and heard. We also knew he was where God wanted him to be. I’ll spare the details only to say that God allows u-turns. The encouragement he got from the guys in the program was unbelievable. He was the youngest one there and was praised for getting his life together while he was still young. The next time we spoke to him three weeks later for the fifteen minutes we were allotted we could tell the difference God was making in his life. He continued to progress into the fine young man we knew he could be. Is he perfect? No! Do we agree with everything he does? Of course not! I’m just glad to know that he was allowed by God to make a u-turn four years ago.

I’M GLAD GOD ALLOWS U-TURNS

This has been quite a fun weekend. Our oldest son is now officially engaged. I say officially, because they’ve been talking about it for some time now. We are thrilled with his choice - she is good for him and a good Christian girl. We have gotten to know her over the past few months a little better because she has been staying with us in order to establish herself in our area. Spring is going to bring about much to celebrate - the graduation of our daughter from high school and then the wedding. We took them out last night to celebrate their engagement with some of the family and this afternoon I had some great mother/daughter time shopping with my youngest. While it’s been a great weekend, there is still always underneath the grief that comes from knowing one of our own is going down the wrong path. I know God is in control of the situation and I have to continue to believe that He is working in all of this, yet I still experience a great deal of pain and guilt. I know deep down that I am no longer responsible for my children’s choices - they are all adults now. However I guess there is a part of me that will always feel the grief and pain that comes from being the parent of a prodigal. Just as our Father waits for our return, so we wait for the return of our prodigal - with open arms!

I used to like to ask myself this question all the time. Why did my son have to get involved in the drug scene? After all, I did the best I could. I raised him in what I believed to be a good Christian home. Sent him to a Christian school. Made sure we attended a church with a good youth program. Did I make mistakes? Sure. We all do. The worst part about it was that the very places I should have gotten support from-my Christian family-was the least help. It’s the old cliche’ “until you walk a mile in my shoes.”  I realize now that they didn’t understand and it was God’s way of preparing me for what He wanted me to do.

I asked myself that question again when God began laying this ministry on my heart. I thought I was through with the ministry. As I began to really pray and seek His will in all of this, I realized that it’s not about me. God had a plan all along. He wanted me to take what I had learned and experienced to help others in similar situations. That’s what we try to do. So, if you’re going through some trials and tribulations, keep in mind that God may be preparing you for His use in a greater cause.

Ever see those shirts you get after riding a roller coaster? I think I need one that says “I Survived Christmas!” Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t terrible. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year - I love decorating the house, all the preliminaries, even the shopping. This year, however, was different in many ways. Our kids are older now, so now more toy shopping (I really miss that fun!) and they don’t live with us full-time anymore. This was the first time all five of us (now six) spent a week in the house together at the same time in a very long time. Our boys just don’t get along so well - I keep hoping for that day they realize that someday they may be all they have and that they need to make peace. Maybe next year’s Christmas miracle? Not only do they not get along so well, it seems like they don’t get along with me so well either. Lots of tension for most of the week ensued, though there were pleasant moments too. Most of all I have to remind myself that I should be thankful we’re all here and that we’re very blessed in so many ways. Most of all I’m thankful for a God who loved me enough to send His Son to save me. In the midst of all the busyness and stress, that’s really what matters - the true meaning of Christmas!

While watching a tear-jerker of a Christmas movie tonight, the idea was brought up that the character would go through all the grief and pain again to have one more day to hold their loved one. This time of year brings about grief for me - our little Casey was due to be born around Christmas. The movie got me thinking - I’ve often wondered why the idea of a baby was even brought about. You see, it was a very unplanned pregnancy. There was just enough time to fall in love with the idea of a new little one, and then we lost her (yes, I say she was a her - mother’s intuition I guess). Though I’ve wondered why I had to fall in love with someone just to lose her, would I wish I’d never had the experience. The funny thing is, I don’t think so. It has brought about more grief and pain than I could ever have imagined, yet it makes heaven so much sweeter. I firmly believe that Casey is with our Heavenly Father and I will meet her one day. A poem that I have held onto states that our baby was “created just for God.” We may not have met her yet, but she has brought joy into our lives in spite of all the grief and pain. There’s an ornament on our tree, just as there are for all of our children and just as all my children have taught me things, I have learned so much from this little one I never got to hold. I am sure the greater purpose is still to be discovered, but I believe that no life is an accident, no matter how brief. Merry Christmas Casey!

I was passing the hospital where my daughter was born 18 years ago the other day and was reminded once again of all I have to be thankful for. Kimberly was born two weeks before Christmas and on New Years Eve began experiencing seizures. It was such a scary time - I remember staying in the hospital with her during the 6 days after. I finally left and got away for a little while about the 4th day and I remember getting in the car and just falling apart. I went to my parents home because it was closer than my own and got a little rest. It was so hard to trust God with the future at that point - they were finding no answers as to why she was having seizures and there were a couple where they had to give her oxygen. She was so tiny and I could do absolutely nothing to stop them - I had to learn to leave her in God’s hands. After all, he knew exactly what was going on and what the future would bring. It was so much easier said than done, however. The next year brought four more hospitalizations and lots of waiting - waiting to see if they would cause any damage, waiting to see if she would develop “normally” and whether she would be able to walk and talk. There were struggles with doctors and insurance companies - changes in medication and lots of worrisome nights. Now I can look back and see that it was all so worthwhile - the Lord has blessed us with a beautiful young woman - inside and out. She is an honor roll student and a compassionate, loving person.

There were many times that first year that I would cry out to God and wish for a “normal” child, but I’m so thankful now that God didn’t give me what I asked for. He gave me an extraordinary child who has taught me so much. He used our struggles to bring us closer together and so much closer to Him. I would have missed out on so many blessings had I been given what I thought I needed at the time. I’d like to say that I learned my lesson well - trust God no matter what, but I’m still learning that lesson. When life seems unbearable and the struggles too great - remember God knows the ending and He knows what’s best for all of us!

We’ve all heard the cliche’s “Go for the gold” and ”Keep your eye on the prize,” but I sometimes wonder what we miss out on if we’re not careful enough to look at some of the scenery along the way. While I understand the concept of keeping focused, what about those precious gems we miss? I’ve always had big dreams as to where I’d like for this ministry to go and have even gotten discouraged at the lack of progress that seems to be there. I can find all kinds of things to blame it on. When I’m at that point, God sends someone my way to remind me that we are making a difference. I had the awesome privilege to “be there” for someone this week. What a humbling experience that can be. It made me wonder if maybe the “big picture” is overrated. We serve an awesome God who knows what we need when we need it. I think I’m going to let Him take care of “the big picture” and I’m going to take the time to enjoy the scenery a little more.

As we approach the holidays, I am reminded again of all we have to be thankful for. Most of us are thankful for jobs, homes, the Lord’s provision and our families, just as we should be. We look forward to time spent enjoying family and catching up with loved ones we haven’t seen during the year. For me, it also brings a much needed break - one of the joys of working for the school system.

While we are enjoying all the holidays bring, we need to be mindful that there are those for which the holidays are not so joyful. There are parents who are grieving the loss of a child and for some reason the holidays bring all the hurt and pain to the surface once again. As Christians, we do pretty well supporting those parents, but we forget that there are another group of hurting parents. Parents of prodigals also experience a great deal of grief during the holidays. They may not get to enjoy the feeling of having all of their children come home for the holidays, or if they do come home, it may bring about another list of stresses.

Let’s be mindful of those whose holidays are not so bright - keep them in our prayers and look for ways to support them through this difficult time.

I recently had a conversation with someone discussing right and wrong. As the conversation continued I realized that his interpretation of right and wrong seemed quite different than mine. I was raised with the idea that everything is pretty much black and white, with very little gray areas. Apparently, his opinion has a lot more gray areas than mine. The world’s view would have us think that truth is relevant. That eliminates the guilt factor. After all, if we can eliminate the sin by excusing it, where is our need for God? The belief that seems to be prevalent today is that it is only wrong if you get caught. That’s not what I was taught, nor is it what the Bible says. We have quite a challenge before us today. Let’s get back to the basics. Be sure you teach your children that right is right and wrong is wrong. It seems to me there would be a whole lot less confusion that way.