Perplexed Parents Blog

For us, this is the summer of changes. We started out with our youngest graduating from high school, followed by our oldest getting married. Two big changes within one month. Tomorrow our middle child turns 21 - it’s hard to believe how fast the time goes. When we’re children ourselves, we think life takes forever. We are constantly waiting for the next big thing, and for us it seems to take so long to get there. Our parents however, continually tell us not to wish our life away! I am now learning exactly what they meant. I remember when my children were going through the terrible twos, or some other tough phase, wishing I could see what they would be like when they were grown. Now all I seem to do is remember the times when they were little and would play for hours in the backyard.

We will soon be facing another big change. Our daughter will be moving on campus in just three short weeks and we will experience the empty nest. Thankfully, she’s only going to be about 25 minutes away, but that won’t change the fact that she’s not sleeping in her room across the hall from me. This chapter in our lives has come way too fast, but it also brings about things to celebrate. We’ve successfully completed our job as her caretakers and she is ready to step out on her own. We won’t stop being her parents, but we’re no longer responsible for the day-to-day decisions she makes. We’ve watched her develop into a strong, independent young woman and I can’t wait to watch this butterfly soar!

“I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams, and that faith gives you the courage to dare to do great things. I’m here for you whatever this life brings, so let my love give you roots and help you find your wings”

There is a lot of literature out there that you can read on how to raise your children. They have a tendency to make you feel guilty for not following their guidelines, especially if your child doesn’t quite turn out the way they were supposed to. One must remember that each child is different. My 3 kids are nothing alike as each has their own uniqness. If you knew them you would agree. Below I’ve listed some things to keep in mind from the materials you find on parenting.

1. No one can guarantee to take your child from lawbreaker to saint in 10 easy steps. If it was that easy we would all have saints.

2. Just because a book tells you their way is the right way doesn’t mean they’re right. All personalities and characteristics have to be taken into consideration Parents and children).

3. No one can guarantee that your child will turn out perfect if you do everything right in the formative years.

4. It’s never too late late to make an impact on your childs’ life. You may be able to have a great impact if they see a true change in your attitude toward them.

5. There is no magic formula to parenting. What may work for one may totally backfire on someone else.

These are just a few things I hope you keep in mind. Also remember that the only perfect parent (God Himself) has imperfect children. He doesn’t expect perfection and neither should you. If you’re struggling as a parent, join the crowd. You are NOT alone.

The last thing I’m going to say at this time is that the time to act and get help is before it escalates. For some reason we feel inadequate if we admit we struggle. You’re not inadequate, you’re normal

Well, it’s official. I am now a mother-in-law! Our oldest son married a beautiful bride this past weekend. I don’t know when I have enjoyed a weekend more. We started with a small bachelorette party on Thursday, a lovely rehearsal picnic at a nearby park, the wedding on Saturday, and then a small lunch with her family and ours on Sunday as they opened their presents. A very busy weekend, but believe it or not, very little stress! After all the things we have been through with our son, it was such a joy to celebrate with him. We are very proud of the choice he made. I began praying for his spouse when he was just a little boy and believe God has given him the perfect mate. What a joy it is to see God answer a prayer from long ago!

Just a short week or so ago, I was rejoicing over the accomplishments of one of my children, and still am. Yet, there’s always this underlying grief I can’t seem to shake. We have been waiting, praying, and pleading for one of our children for a very long time now. Sometimes it seems the more I pray, the worse things seem to get. There are days I can move on, and then all of a sudden the grief returns just as fresh as if it started yesterday. We pray and do everything we possibly can to raise our children up the way the Lord would have us. Yet sometimes, in spite of our best efforts, our children decide to go a different direction. I have struggled many times with the whys, what ifs, and if onlys. I’m sure there are many mistakes we made as parents, but as humans we can only do our best. There is nothing I can do about the past and the only thing left to do is simply leave him in God’s hands. Simple? Not really. I have done it over and over, only to pick the burden up once again. I find myself searching for ways to “help” God along - to find the one thing that may make a difference. Sounds silly, doesn’t it? Why would the God of the Universe need my help? I am then reminded once again that there is nothing too big for God - that He has a plan and though I may not see it, it still exists and He is in control. I have fallen in love with a song from Point of Grace. The chorus is:

There is no valley, there is no darkness, there is no sorrow greater than the grace of Jesus. There is no moment, there is no distance, there is no heartbreak He can’t take you through, so before you think that you’re too lost to save, Remember, there is nothing greater than grace!

God’s grace will bring us through this heartbreak and I will continue to trust and believe that sometime in the future there is going to be rejoicing, both in heaven and here on earth!

It’s been quite a couple of weeks at our house. Our youngest daughter is nearing the end of a great senior year. The past week and a half, we’ve enjoyed an art show, helped her get ready for the prom, enjoyed a wonderful leadership banquet, and watched as she received yet another “Golden Apple”. By this time tomorrow, my baby will have graduated high school!

The leadership banquet was a formal dinner at a great restaurant in our area. 12 seniors had been chosen to participate in the leadership program, meeting with a mentor once a month. The year ended with a banquet where each student gave a speech honoring the teacher who had meant the most to them in their 12 years of school. As I watched this very grown up young lady of ours give her speech, I was amazed at her poise. You see, I remember a little girl who was so shy. Her teachers would have to ask her to “speak up” because she spoke oh so quietly. This was the same little girl the doctor told me might not walk or talk - or at best, wouldn’t be normal. Thankfully, I know an almighty God who had control of the whole situation. Yes, I’m bragging on my daughter, but I also stand in awe of how he answered a young mother’s prayer 18 years ago. I remember telling God that I would be ok if only she would be able to walk and talk (that’s what seemed important at the time). He gave me so much more than I could ever dream.

That first year and a half seemed so long as we waited to see how she would develop. I remember wishing then that I could see the future - just have my answer as to what would be. I’m so thankful God made me wait. I could never have envisioned what the future would bring or how blessed we truly have been to have been her parents. Sometimes the things that look the hardest turn out to be our greatest blessing - we simply have to trust Him and leave the future in His hands. Mmm, I think I need to remember that in a few other situations and stop wishing my life away!

For the past few months, my devotions have been dealing on trust and thankfulness. I have struggled greatly with the verses that tell us we are to be thankful in all things and that we are to praise God in good and bad. It’s difficult to be thankful when your child is into drugs - yet the Bible says to give thanks for all things. It’s even more difficult to thank God when your child has just told you he’s gay, after all, doesn’t God speak against homosexuality? I’ve come to the conclusion it’s not about thanking God for the bad - it’s trusting Him enough to thank him in advance for the good that is to come. “All things work together for good” - it takes a lot of faith to come to Him with a thankful heart when your world is falling apart, when you feel like the bottom has fallen. A lot of times, it’s been a conscious decision on my part that I AM going to be thankful. If I step out in faith, a thankful heart seems to follow. It’s not about my feelings at the time, it’s trusting that God loves me and that He is in control of all of it. I may not have the answer to “why” here on earth, but there is an eternal purpose in all that He allows me to go through. It has always amazed me how intertwined our lives are and how God can work in each of our lives at the same time. I need not worry about the lessons my children need to be learning, I need to just work on my own heart and leave the rest to God. After all, He loves them even more than I do!

One of the hardest lessons we have to learn as parents is that we are not responsible for the decisions our children make. The world today has a tendency to compare to see who is best. Raising our children is not a competition. Each child, or for that matter everyone, is an individual and no two are alike. I have three children and all three of them are totally different. We tend to look at others who have children who, at least on the surface, are perfect and compliant. The more parents I talk to the more I find out that they have their own struggles. As parents, we want perfect children. There is no such animal. I’ve also learned that when when you are struggling with your child everything seems to be magnified. You get so engrossed with the struggle that you think everyone is aware of it. When our oldest got out of Teen Challenge he went to do an internship with a ministry that operated a hopeline for teens. Part of the requirement for this program was raising your own support. To acheive this he wrote his testimony out and sent it to the members of our church asking if they would help. We were surprised at how many people had no idea of his addictions. If you are reading this and have struggles with your child, keep in mind that it may not be as evident to others as you may think. I believe one of the most important things I’ve learned is that our pride is usually the biggest culprit. Our kids aren’t perfect, nor should we expect them to be. We also need to remember that they’re on loan to us from God. He has entrusted them to us. We do the best we can to instill in them obedience to God. The ultimate decision to do right is up to them, not us. I must put my pride aside and remember “It’s not about me,” it’s all about Him!

There have been many trials in our household throughout our married life - dealing with epilepsy, developmental delays, ADD, rheumatoid arthritis, miscarriage, drug addiction, rebellion, and the list goes on. It seems our family has dealt with just about every issue out there. For the past three years we have been dealing with our greatest struggle - homosexuality. To be honest, everything else has seemed like a picnic compared to having our son tell us he believes he is a homosexual. It is unbelievable the emotions a parent goes through - anger, guilt (after all, how could this happen in our family), embarrassment, and above all grief. It is a very lonely grief - the world doesn’t see anything wrong with this lifestyle - this must just be the way he was made. It’s not something you feel you can share with your church, so you just keep it to yourself. Some may not see it as grief, but trust me it is very real. All of us have dreams for our children and dream of the life they will lead. We have had to let that dream die, at least for now. It has been a three year journey of grief and now acceptance. No matter how much we want our children to turn out “right”, we simply cannot make choices for them. I have finally reached the point of acceptance, not of the lifestyle, but of the fact that I cannot make him see things my way. God is the only one who can change things and I simply have no other choice than to leave it in His hands. I have joined groups of Christian parents on line who are struggling with this issue too, but have found little assistance from those groups. So many of them in their acceptance of their children have bought into the lie that this is just the way they were made and it’s just not going to change. I, however, believe in a God who is all powerful and able to change lives totally and completely. I continue to pray that He will do so in our son’s life. We continue to show our son unconditional love - he is and always will be my child and we love him just as much as ever.

Today is a day of celebration that I will never forget. Four years ago today we dropped off our son at Greater Piedmont Teen Challenge in Greensboro, NC. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do as a parent. We had spent the last few years stuggling with a drug addicted teen. I remember him trying to put off going there, not going in, just wanting to make it later. I know his plans were to get away for a while and come back in six months and pick up where he left off. I’m grateful that God had other plans. “Our ways are not His ways, nor our thoughts His thoughts.” 

When we arrived at Teen Challenge, we were given a tour and told how the plan worked. We were so relieved to see the place and left encouraged by what we saw and heard. We also knew he was where God wanted him to be. I’ll spare the details only to say that God allows u-turns. The encouragement he got from the guys in the program was unbelievable. He was the youngest one there and was praised for getting his life together while he was still young. The next time we spoke to him three weeks later for the fifteen minutes we were allotted we could tell the difference God was making in his life. He continued to progress into the fine young man we knew he could be. Is he perfect? No! Do we agree with everything he does? Of course not! I’m just glad to know that he was allowed by God to make a u-turn four years ago.

I’M GLAD GOD ALLOWS U-TURNS